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Thursday, October 10, 2013

A "How to" Guide

The successful politician

by Sam Huntington

If becoming a politician were difficult, if working as a politician was challenging, or even stressful, then we would not find so many people lining up to get into the politician racket. That’s right: racket. Few jobs offer the kinds of benefits we extend to members of Congress. Try to imagine working for corporate America and then telling your boss that you need to make a fact finding trip to Syria —and that he or she has to pay for it. Be sure to inform your boss that you have decided to take your wife along; or, your mistress/secretary/administrative assistant.

This “How to” guide has been developed for the individual who wants to get into the rackets more than he or she wants to gain admission to Heaven: they can’t have both. Nevertheless, there are a few things to remember in your quest for eternal damnation.

First, whether vying for one’s first elective office or reelection for the sixtieth time, it is necessary to hone the art of bribery. This is how politicians get people to support them, even knowing that they send disgusting pictures of themselves to unsuspecting followers on Face Book and Twitter, are liars, perverts, and treasonous scallywags.

The benefit of bribery over having to invent clever rhetoric about your upcoming legislative agenda is that bribery almost always works, while clever rhetoric is often confusing to the average voter, who has the IQ of a watermelon. Plus, bribery allows you to incorporate another clever ploy: feigned compassion. Offering likely voters free stuff provides an opportunity for politicians to also pretend they care about the plight of the common man. Here are a few ideas that have worked in the past:

• Promise to work for an increase in the minimum wage;
• Promise free smart-phones;
• Promise free medical care for full time employees and illegal aliens;
• Promise no increase in taxes for poor folks;
• Promise a car in every garage and a chicken in every pot. Note: if you are running for office in the western states, you can substitute methamphetamines for the chicken;
• Always use the race card, social justice, and class warfare to illustrate how unfair everything is; and
• Promise to work on gun control legislation to stop violent crime in Chicago, Baltimore, Washington DC and Philadelphia.

Note: promising to work on something does not actually suggest that you will work on it, or that anything meaningful will result from said assurances.

Of course, you cannot use any of these ideas yourself; they are already dog-eared from use and more importantly, some of the people (albeit not all) are getting wise to the ploy. No, it is much better if you develop a new con, or one not used in the past twenty or thirty years. Oh, and before I forget —there is no reason to worry about actually fulfilling any promises because voters have no capacity for long-term memory, which is any period of time longer than five or six minutes.

One area that you can use to great success in the achievement of damnation is the state of the nation’s economy. For example, in a recent survey of economists, over 90% of these astute academicians said that minimum wage laws actually increase the rate of unemployment among low-skilled workers. This is not something you want to convey to your constituents, however, because the information will only confuse them. Instead, skew the information so that it sounds like white corporate America is attempting to keep the black man down.

Note: the shrewd politician can substitute the term black man for brown man or red man at will. An expert politician is able to substitute the term woman for man without even having to think about it.

Finally, whenever making a campaign speech, or even something so mundane as a meet and greet in front of a local Kroger’s, try to incorporate as many phony causes as possible within your allotted time. For example, you could assert that mass shootings using nuclear tipped ammunition does significant damage to the environment, along with the long-term consequences to un-aborted children whenever local police fail to properly recover and dispose of all nuclear tipped munitions. And whatever you do, don’t forget to promise to work on legislation to save the whales.


  1. George Whyte said...
    "Hey you veteran-loving phony TeaPubs, cry us a fekken river:In SEPTEMBER, the Pentagon told the Republicans about the service men's survivors benefits going unfunded if they shut down the government, and they shut it down anyway

    When an ultra liberal turns against our own Service men thats more proof that he and his fellow PROGRESSIVES, hate the USA more proof that George Whyte is a LIBERAL, PROGRESSIVE, COMMUNIST, ASS... It is obvious

  2. There was a PERFECT come-back in the TV series, Under the Dome. One guy says to the other, "So, you think I'm a criminal?"

    The second guy answers back, "Worse... a politician."

    1. Marine4Ever,
      I wanted to watch under the Dome, but it was on too late for me to stay awake. **sigh**

      We have no statesmen in America today. We have weasels!

  3. What's your vision situation, AOW?
    I hope for your progress.

    1. Duck,
      Thanks for your well wishes.

      I will have a post about my situation early tomorrow morning. It took me forever to write it. Lacking decent binocular vision slows me down!

      I have managed to find an older pair of eyeglasses that allows me to see better in the unoperated eye.

  4. So, Ducky, when we are all finally equally poor and China refuse to buy anymore of our bonds, what will you "progressives" want t do next?

  5. We Conservatives have been aware of all these things for a long time, of course, Sam, but I don't think I've ever seen anyone state the case any better or more concisely, even if it does appear more-than-a-bit cynical.

    Could we hope to find a better reason for becoming cynical than the condition we find ourselves in today?

    Frankly, I doubt it.

    There's one thing that troubles me greatly, however. I happen to have known a good many Democrats who are interesting, intelligent, thoroughly delightful people as long as our association steers clear of politics. Some of them have been positively lovable.

    That doesn't seem to coincide in any way with reality, does it, yet it's true -- at least in my experience.

    Could it possibly be that the phenomenon known today as GroupThink could be the true villain in the piece? I believe an older term for it was Mob Psychology, isn't that right? At any rate once that phenomenon takes hold it seems to transform people into mindless zealots who lose touch with their better angels and become rabidly antagonistic.

    Perhaps instead of railing against "liberalism," as we are wont to do it might help to focus some thought on how to avoid falling unto the trap of GroupThink. It does seem to have a pronounced tendency to transform men into monsters.

    1. @ FT

      Whether you are speaking of cynicism in its classical or contemporary meaning, you are correct. I do believe in civic virtue, and I have little faith in the American politician, whether at the state or federal level … and even local politicians do not seem to earn the trust of those who voted for them. More than this, I have little faith in the American voter who finds little opportunity for learning about issues before voting on them.

      What this means to me is that the American Republic will soon disappear and a soviet styled republic will take its place. It will be a simpler life, of course; no more debating or boring one another with different points of view. The communist government will simply issue its edicts, and the people will obey them —if they know what is good for them. This transition may be perfectly acceptable to 51% of the American people, but it is not at all acceptable to me.

  6. I was listening to local talk radio today and heard a really ignorant statement by the host, who obviously is a kook, or Liberal, or both.

    He said: "Corporations don't create jobs, companies like GE and Wal-Mart don't create jobs. It's people like me who create jobs."

    Really? A small town radio host thinks he creates jobs, more jobs than GE or Wal-Mart. I'm sure he hasn't created one single job in his life.

    Right Truth


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