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Monday, February 2, 2015

Message From The Queen

From Michael Yon's Facebook page comes this bit of satire:
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

51 comments:

  1. She sounds even more reasonable than Obama. I suggest we take her up on it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This from a country that elected Tony Blair.

    Tie a can on it, Liz.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This from the duck that voted for Obummer twice.

      Tie a can on your own tail feathers, nancy boy.

      Delete
    2. Ducky,

      I don't believe you. I could understand a reliable communist like you maybe withholding your vote the second time around, but being a dedicated man of the left who loves checking all the boxes, I cannot believe you passed up the chance to elect the first minority president.

      Delete
    3. Big Gus Hall fan are ya, Red Duck?

      You vote a straight CPUSA ticket, do ya?

      Delete
  3. "God Save the Queen!"

    After two terms of B.O. : GOD SAVE AMERICA!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Obama saved the Detroit unions and their crony crapitalist business owner co-conspirators.

      He also saved the illegal aliens. They've accounted for every bit of the anemic job growth during Obama's reign.

      Delete
    2. SF, I think you're right on the job growth being stymied by illegals taking jobs for less, etc.

      I have been curious that the only reason given on the rise in measles is no vaccination, when it isn't a stretch to consider that those sneaking into America without vaccinations are probably bringing diseases in; we all know TB, once eradicated, is back in America.
      When I think of what trouble I went thru to live in Paris regarding health issues, vaccinations, etc..!
      I'll bet you've gone thru some of that, too, in your travels...

      Delete


    3. @This One,

      I'm curious, are you the one who used to comment under the moniker of "Liberalmann"?



      Delete
    4. Jon,
      I think so.

      This One's comments are automatically deleted by a blog administrator as soon as the comments are detected.

      Delete
    5. Actually, I think This One is not Liberalmann.

      Lester's specialty was cut and paste jobs.

      This One appears to actually think for him/herself, if we may call it thinking...

      Delete
    6. SF, I think you're right on the job growth being stymied by illegals taking jobs for less, etc.

      I have been curious that the only reason given on the rise in measles is no vaccination, when it isn't a stretch to consider that those sneaking into America without vaccinations are probably bringing diseases in; we all know TB, once eradicated, is back in America.
      When I think of what trouble I went thru to live in Paris regarding health issues, vaccinations, etc..!
      I'll bet you've gone thru some of that, too, in your travels...

      Delete
    7. Z: I have, and the malaria prophylaxis is the worst.

      Yes, Obama's children have acted like little disease vectors and our government gave them plane and bus tickets and paid them to spread themselves all over the US. If a foreign government had done this, it would be called an act of terrorism.

      Delete
  4. I can't argue with her one bit. We deserve every syllable.

    ReplyDelete
  5. What does the Queen of England want with a Mexican colony?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Compared to Obama, I'd take the Queen. But, of course, I'd take a ham sandwich in lieu of Obama, too. I think it'd do a better job.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too. If only because you can indict a ham sandwich. ;-)

      Delete
    2. Yes, Viburnum! A ham sandwich can be THROWN OUT! Oh, man... if only!

      Delete
  7. With all due respect to Her Majesty; when pigs fly.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Carrie (Andie MacDowell), was an American

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'll never forget that one morning, back in November 2004, when a young, conservative British systems contractor I worked with had just gotten back to the states after the election. He was standing in the hall, talking with a colleague, and he turned and looked up at me when I walked in, and all he said was "What happened?"

    He couldn't believe the American people were stupid enough to put George W Bush in office - again!

    You cons are an international joke. No one I worked with around the world takes you guys seriously. They think you're self-destructive idiots.

    JMJ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Notice how much we value his opinion....

      Delete
    2. Electing the failure Obama twice has really cemented our reputation as a nation of fools.

      Gitmo's still open, we're still in Afghanistan, Obama assassinates brown people by drone in Yemen and Pakistan, smallest workforce since Carter, worst economic 'recovery' on record, welcome mat out for illegal aliens because Obama's 1%'er donors want cheap labor, doubling the national debt...

      Yes, we are a nation of fools for reelecting the grinning empty suit.

      Delete
    3. And just today I heard from an International foreign policy expert that other countries may not have liked him, but they're wishing Bush was back because at least he had a plan and stood by them.

      SF...you're right, even the Germans have turned on Obama and I can only imagine what the French thought of his not showing up. Actually, I should email one of my old neighbors and ask him.

      Delete
    4. And just today I heard from an International foreign policy expert that other countries may not have liked him, but they're wishing Bush was back because at least he had a plan and stood by them.

      SF...you're right, even the Germans have turned on Obama and I can only imagine what the French thought of his not showing up. Actually, I should email one of my old neighbors and ask him.

      Delete
    5. SF,
      I strongly agree with you comment of February 2, 2015 at 8:44:00 PM EST. But you'll never get a progressive to agree with your statements. Denial is a HUGE river!

      Delete
    6. Ed,
      Good one!

      I wonder if all commenters here even both to read those particular comments.

      Delete
    7. Z,
      This quotation of the day popped into my email least night, and I think that you will appreciate it:

      Oliver North was asked why he thought Obama, Biden,...Kerry or Holder didn't attend the unity rally in Paris. He said…because it was for world leaders.

      Delete
  10. Sorry guys, but compared to Bush, Obama, and American liberals in general, is far more respected around the world. And modern American conservatism is a well known joke.

    JMJ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jersey, you're not ignorant as I first though you were, you're a proven liar.

      Delete
    2. Right you are Jersey, but that’s not what those Tea-Pee-ers, and those schoolyard name-calling, gang of loonies like to hear.

      Delete
    3. Jersey, I've lived in Germany and France; they didn't like Bush but they respected him greatly, begrudgingly. European leftwingers will cajole you and support your liberal opinions 100%.....If you think it's a big coup to get them on your side, think again.
      The thinking Europeans understand finally that Obama is an empty suit; Ukraine is problematic to them and they see nothing happening. They don't like Israel, most of them, but they understand its loyalty to the West and don't like Obama's behavior to him, either.
      But this is only thinking Europeans, not the leftwing zealots....so keep smiling and feeling everybody agrees with you. It's shallow and silly, but if it works for you...super.

      Fox Snooze....sorry you've bought into the stupid name calling yourself; did you see the irony in your comment?: naaa.
      Try MSNBC and come back and tell us about name calling loonies, okay? Thanks!

      Delete
    4. "Tea-Pee-ers, and those schoolyard name-calling gang of loonies"

      Oh, my.

      Fox Snooze has a bodily fluid fixation... And she is obviously too dumb to see the inherent contradiction in her loony statements.

      Poor Obama voters! He emerged from those Greek columns and promised them the moon and the stars, but ended up just mooning them!

      Delete
    5. Z: You have to excuse Jersey. He worked in a freight yard hauling in crates from all over the world, so he fancies himself an international expert.

      Delete
  11. Sounds better than what we have with Obama. Never voted for that POS and to this day, wish he never won either election. Don't even get me started on Obamacare and the IRS bullying their way into our medical care.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're the only one who doesn't know wtf Leticia is talking about, probably because she is intelligent and talks over the comprehension level of your pebble brain.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
    3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
    4. This One,
      Go away. You're not welcome here.

      Only a pathetic ass keeps coming around to a place where he is not wanted.

      Delete
  12. It's sadly apparent from the way things have turned out that the sacrifices made by our Founding Fathers were in vain. The American Revolution was a complete waste of blood, treasure and time. We'd have been just as well off -- or better -- if we'd stayed loyal to Mother England.

    King George III was a far kinder, gentler tyrant than the fiendish forces oppressing us today.

    Franklin said, "We've given you a republic -- if you can keep it."

    Obviously we couldn't -- and haven't -- "kept it."

    I think Franklin knew that would be the case all along, but still believed it was worth the try.

    Me? I'm not so sure.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I know this is meant to be humorous, but what isn't humorous is that lately we haven't handled the democratic republic thing very bloody well, yeah?

    ReplyDelete
  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dumb and blind... Go figure.

      Delete
  15. Last month marked the 50th anniversary of the death of Winston Churchill. I'd say if the Brits had a Churchill as a leader I might not mind if we revoked our Independence. But sadly, British leaders have been even more neutered than American politicians so NO GO!

    ReplyDelete
  16. written by a prissy prat! I lived in Europe for two years when my children were school age, one of England's "colonies" and it was pure hell. we were with an American company so we had to live on the economy and the food was terrible, grocery stores had nothing like our foods at home in the US. I don't care who the president is, I love my country! GOD BLESS AMERICA!

    ReplyDelete

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